Part 2: http://kpopfantasyworld.tumblr.com/post/28488988042/if-i-ever-forgive-myself-kai-part-2
Requested by anon
“Who’s that girl in the corner?” Kai asked Luhan pointing towards you.
“She’s the manager’s son’s girlfriend.”
“Oh,” Kai said sounding disappointed.
“Why are you asking?” Luhan asked.
“Ohh I dunno, haven’t really seen her around here before.”
“I have, a couple of times actually. She’s very quiet and loves reading books,” Luhan said cheerfully.
“Wow, you seem to know a lot about her,” Kai shot back.
“Yeah, she’s usually around in our training room. She helps around with the manager since she took the summer off from University.”
“Hmm, that’s nice to know.”
“Want me to introduce you to her?” Luhan asked.
“Nah, she’s taken. What’s the use,” Kai laughed halfheartedly, “ let’s go home, this party is getting boring.”
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You walked into Exo K’s practice room only to find a shirtless and sweating Kai. “Aish, Mianhe, I didn’t think anybody would be in here,” you said while closing your eyes.
“Oh no it’s alright,” Kai replied.
You slowly opened your eyes only to find him still shirtless. You were marveled by his physique but something more important caught your attention. Blood.
“Kai sii you are bleeding, Oh my God, let me get the first aid kit,” you quickly turned around and left.
You came rushing back in and took out the required things. “Now hold still, because this might hurt,” you warned him. “By the way how did you manage to get a cut on your arm?” you asked.
“I was just taking off my shirt when I hit that sharp corner of the window,” he said.
You suddenly realized you were standing too close to him so you tried to move back but then you weren’t able to tend the wound therefore you were stuck. You could see him staring at you from the corner of your eyes. He hadn’t taken his eyes off you for even a second. It was making you nervous.
“Ouch,” he whispered.
“I’m so sorry, just stand still,” you said.
“I’m perfectly still, it’s your hands that are shaking,” he said.
“Ohh,” you said and stood back.
“No, please continue,” he insisted while smiling.
“You’re hurt and you’re smiling. Are you okay,” you asked.
He shook his head whileyou continued to dress his wound. It took you 10 minutes because the cut was very deep. “There, all done.” You said and looked up only to find him still looking at you. “Are you okay,” you said and snapped your fingers into his face.
“Huh, oh ye, Gomawo,” Kai said.
“So, I’ll see you around okay? Take care of that,” you said and left.
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You tossed and turned in bed. No matter how hard you tired, Kai’s face just wouldn’t get out of your head. “Gaahhhhh,” you screamed pulling your hair.
“Are you okay baby?” your boyfriend asked, suddenly waking up because of you.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you,” you apologized.
“It’s alright,” he said and kissed you on the forehead, “sleep tight.”
You guys had been going out for three months now. He was the most loving boyfriend. He took a lot of care of you. He always placed your needs before his and couldn’t possibly think of hurting you. In other words, he was perfect.
You scolded yourself for even thinking about someone else while you already had a boyfriend and forced yourself to go to sleep.
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“_________ ah, come here!” the manager oppa called you.
“I have a new assignment for you. The Exo K members are going to China for two weeks. One of our translators had to leave and she recommended you since you know Mandarin and Cantonese. So would you like to do it?” he asked. It wasn’t really a question, he was pretty much telling you that you had to do it. You couldn’t say no.
*****************************
“Ohh great, just what I needed, a seat next to Kai. Is the Lord testing me?” you mumbled rolling your eyes as you got on the plane.
“Ohh your seat is next to mine,” Kai asked smiling brightly.
“Ye,” you said.
It had been an hour into the flight when suddenly the airplane starting shuddering. You were extremely scared. The weather outside was really bad. You started praying and the shuddering finally stopped after 10 minutes.
“You can let go off my hand now,” Kai said looking at you. You looked down only to find that you had been holding his hand tightly, almost stopping the blood circulation.
“I’m so sorry,” you apologized.
“It’s okay.”
You were really tired from last night therefore you fell asleep. Kai woke you up after 2 hours. You were leaning on his shoulder. “Are we there yet?” you asked yawning.
“Almost, the plane’s about to land,” he replied.
*****************************
The next two weeks were the longest ones of your life. You felt like you were getting closer and closer to Kai. He was very playful. Quite the opposite of you. You looked for reasons to be around him. When the guys performed on stage you paid special attention to his moves. He was like a magnet, attracting you towards him. When you guys landed back in Korea you snapped yourself back to reality. You were in a relationship with a wonderful guy. You asked yourself repeatedly why this was happening to you. You were really confused and wanted to set things straight therefore you decided to meet Kai and ask him for help. At this point he would be the only one to give you a good advice.
“Kai oppa, are you in here?” you asked poking your head in the training room.
“Yeah, I’m in the back.”
“Why is it so dark back here,” you said but tripped. Luckily Kai caught you. Your faces were only inches apart. His face looked beautiful in the moonlight. You could feel his soft breaths on your face. It seemed magical. You’d never felt the same way with your boyfriend. Suddenly, Kai kissed you. You liked it. You didn’t want to let go. You kissed him back. Then suddenly it hit you. You were cheating on your boy friend. You immediately pulled back and looked away.
“Tell me you didn’t like it and I’ll go away,” Kai said putting his hand on your shoulder.
Tears started forming in your eyes. No matter how much you lied to yourself, it wasn’t going to change the truth. You did feel something for him. “I loved it,” you said tuning around to reveal your tears. “But, I can’t do this. He loves me a lot.”
“And you?” he asked.
“I..” you couldn’t finish. “I .. don’t know,” you finally said.
“______ ah I love you. I know it’s too early to say it but I do and I have since the first time I saw you at the party. I tried so hard to pull myself away from you but I can’t. I think about you all night and during the day I find reasons to be around you. I don’t know if this makes me a bad person but I really want to be with you knowing that you are with someone else. I don’t think love needs any justifications,” he finished leaving you with no words to say.
Without saying a word, you turned around and left.
***************************
“Babe, what’s wrong?” your boyfriend asked kissing you on the neck. You pulled yourself together.
“Nothing,”
“So I was thinking we should… do it tonight? I mean if it’s okay with you?” he asked smiling. There it was. The moment of truth. You thought hard. Was he ‘the one’ you wanted to lose your virginity to? You closed your eyes and asked your heart. ‘No’ it whispered back.
“ I’m sorry oppa but I can’t do this,” you finally said.
“That’s alright. I can wait” he replied.
“No, I mean I can’t be in this relationship anymore,“ even you were surprised as to how those words had made their way to your lips.
He was shocked. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you because hurting is far from anything you’ve done to me. A few days back I met this guy, Kai, and somehow I have fallen in love with him. I’ve tried so hard to get him out of my head but my heart keeps pulling him back. And seeing you, passionately in love with me kills me because I’m not worth this love. You are a great guy and you deserve someone who will be yours and yours only.” You said. You couldn’t hold in your tears anymore. You started crying, then sobbing holding your face in your hands. “I am so so sorry for doing this to you. I never meant for anything like this to happen. If you could ever just forgive me for my mistake.” You said and looked up at him. He was crying too. You wiped his tears but he held your hands. He came forward and kissed you on your forehead, “ I fell in love with you because of your honesty but I didn’t know the same honesty was going to take you so far away from me,” he said.
“I guess I have nothing left to do here. _____, I have and always will love you. I want you to be happy and if being with him makes you happy then be it,” he said and got up. “I’ll leave you alone so you can figure this out,” he said and patted your head.
It hurt you to see him leave but you were satisfied that he was free from this broken relationship. You hated yourself for this. You couldn’t forgive yourself for this. Ever.
**************************
“I heard about the breakup,” Kai said entering the room. “I am so sorry.”
“Nah, it alright. I just need some time to get over this whole thing,” you said.
He was hoping you guys could be together now but before he could say anything you spoke.
“Listen, I want you to forget about whatever happened that night okay? I’m leaving this job soon. It will be better for both of us,” you said and got up.
“But what about us?” he asked not wanting you to leave.
“What I’ve done to him was heartless. I need some time to get things straight. I can’t just move on like nothing happened.”
“Exactly, I CANT JUST MOVE ON like nothing happened between us either,” Kai said, a little louder this time.
“I’m sorry Kai sii. I have to go now,” you said and left.
You felt like somebody had just ripped your heart out. There was nothing more you wanted in this world but to be with him but you if you ever wanted to forgive yourself, you had to hurt yourself as much as you had hurt your boy friend. What could be a better way to do that but to keep yourself away from the guy you were madly in love with.
‘Maybe we will meet again, some day. If I’m ever able to forgive myself’ you thought to yourself and sighed.
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Ahhhh anon, Im sorry this is so long. I couldn’t make it a happy ending but I can make a part 2 for this if you want me too? Hope you like this. :)