Requested by anon Naiya
‘She was afraid of loving and more strangely, she was afraid of being loved in return. “What’s the point?” she would say. “It’s not like it will be eternal. One day they will leave. They will find out that I am not perfect… I am far from that…” Over the years she had completely secluded herself from the society. Her heart was safely caged inside a box cushioned by smooth linen stuffing. No one was allowed to touch it. No one needed to either. Nothing mattered because she knew she didn’t deserve anything. Why was she like this? Had she always been like this? Why did it always hurt her when someone asked her if she was okay?‘
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You walked down the busy street, your head slightly bowed, your eyes fixed on the ground. Whispers, cries, gossips occasionally touched your ear but you let them subside. In only a matter of few seconds you would be far from all of this. Your feet began to move faster as the corner approached. You huddled through the crowd, pushing a few, in frustration. ‘Why do they leave their houses?’ you asked yourself, shaking your head in annoyance.
There it was, right in front of you. Your safe haven, where you felt protected from the world. Only a few years back you had found that place, hidden behind the heavily laden trees. The park was less busy than usual. You swiftly tip toed to your spot, making sure to not catch anyone’s eyes. You bent down, trying to catch your breath when your vision caught something very wrong. Something or rather someone who wasn’t supposed to be there. You looked up- your eyes meeting his and for a second you felt captivated by the sadness they held. It was almost as if you could see your reflection in his personality without knowing one bit about him. Neither of you moved but stared, hoping the other would say something. No words were uttered. Your lips refused to part. Instead of getting mad at him for taking your spot, you let him stay. Why? You didn’t know. You turned around to leave when you heard him murmur. Your body was in an awkward position and so was your mind. You didn’t know if you should ask him what he had said or just quietly leave. You were still debating when you heard him again. This time he said it much louder. “You don’t have to leave.”
Very slowly you turned your head sideways hoping he would say something more. He didn’t. From the corner of your eyes you could tell that he had gone back to reading his book. He either didn’t care enough or he was too aloof to realize that he had unintentionally hurt you. You were just as stubborn and possessive about your things. Without giving the idea a second thought, you trailed to your spot that had been very lamely taken by him. There was no sign of the slightest flinch from him. Both of you of sat stiffly under the shade reading your respective books.
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Two weeks had passed and nothing had changed. It had almost become a ritual. Every day, he would be there five minutes before your arrival time. You didn’t say anything, neither did he bother. Both of you sat quietly. He was perfectly calm and so were you. It became almost movie like. Two strangers meeting like this. Never uttering words directed to each other. Just understanding what the other never said and then never bothering to ask. There was no need. You liked it just the way it was. You had started to get attached. It felt great to see him there every day. Two months? Three and then four passed by. But nothing changed. You were still quiet and so was he.
Then one day everything changed. Like usual, you casually walked to the place your locks dancing along, hitting your face occasionally. Everything was going to be perfect, except that he wasn’t there that day. You scanned the tree up and down and all around foolishly but there was no sign of him. Blinking repeatedly you stood in silence, with your cheeks puffed up. Your heart poked fun of you. You had started doing what you hated the most- caring for others when you knew the result was always going to be bad. They would never provide you the satisfaction you needed. You wanted to show yourself that you were stronger so you sat down, breathed heavily and began reading the book. The words that your eyes were eating were far from being absorbed by your brain. Your frustration level reached its height in a mere few seconds. You slammed your book sipping in the last drop of patience and got up. You couldn’t do it. He had to be there to make it right. He wasn’t- therefore everything was wrong.
A few more days passed and there was no sign of him. You felt betrayed and broken from the inside. You tried to tell yourself that it was no big deal. You didn’t know him or anything but what about your silly heart that kept poking you? You felt miserable. You didn’t want to go back to the place anymore but that little light of hope was still there. ‘He could come…one day…’ you would keep telling yourself.
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Two weeks later:
You sat under the shade as light air brushed your hair and kissed your bare arm. You were reading your book but you were more focused on the sounds around you. Your ears tingled at the sound of someone’s footstep. Your head shot up towards the direction of the sound you’d been craving to here. And there he was- walking towards you like nothing had happened. Like he had all the right in the world to leave when he liked and come back when he wanted. Your eyes raged with anger looking at his calm, innocent face and pure twinkling eyes. As he got closer you realized that that tinkle was because of his teary eyes. He’d been crying or rather weeping…
You looked at him with questioning eyes as you clenched your shaking hands into a fist. He sat down beside you, took out his book and began to read. You couldn’t help but look at him from the corner of your eyes. All your anger had subsided.
“What is it?” you suddenly blurted out. He didn’t look up. It was the first time he’d heard your voice. His ears turned a light pink and he tried hard to act like he was involved in his book. But he couldn’t pretend any longer. You were still looking at him with your big dough eyes demanding an answer.
“That’s none of your business,” he replied.
“I want to help,” you replied. You couldn’t stand seeing him cry like that. You knew better. You had been through days like that. “Please! I know you’re hurting right now. But I can help. Trust me!”
“No one can help me,” he replied putting his book aside. You began to say something but he continued, unexpectedly. “No one will understand what I have been through. It’s just too… much.” He turned his body to face you, looking straight into your eyes. He leaned closer to you and whispered, “It haunts me every night.”
His last statement ran shudders through your body. You wanted to know what his secret was but you couldn’t form the right words to ask. You held his hand and gave it a slight squeeze. “I may be able to help,” you said. He shook his head, shifting to the other side. His hands slid out of yours. He rested his head against the tree trunk sighing heavily. The few words that were exchanged a few minutes back were replaced by the same heavy silence that existed between the two of you.
You heart wished he would trust you more but your mind told you it wouldn’t be right. You would begin to like him and who knows what will that turn into. Then one day he will realize that nothing is perfect and he will leave and you will be alone.
You shook your head out of your atrocious thoughts and went back to pretending to read.
The days after that passed the same way. He had started coming regularly but there was some change that you sensed. The silence between the two of you wasn’t the same beautiful one. It was cutting.
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“I want to take you somewhere,” he said. You looked up in surprise, fixing your glasses. Was he really talking to you after all that had happened a few days ago. More than that, he was asking you such a thing when the two of you barely knew each other.
“Where?” you spit out while your heart kept telling you to do the opposite. Instead of answering you he grabbed your hand pulling you up.
“You won’t regret it,” he said as a smile embraced his lips. He looked happy that day. You smiled too and let him drag you.
The two of you entered the main quad in the park where all the life was. There were people everywhere. He jumped a little, waving his hands in the air as if introducing someone to you
“Look at this,” he said.
“Look at what?” you asked.
“This!,” he pointed to children playing, balloons flying, ice cream man yelling, birds chirping and the flowers dancing alone the wind’s light touch. He wanted to say more but just looking into your eyes made him stop. You were telling him you understood what he meant. It made you happy and it made him happy just a little more.
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He called himself Luhan. His name, his face, his everything made you smile. Just the thought of seeing him the next day made your heart flutter. He had started to open more. He would tell you crazy things. How to do this and that, how to play around and get yourself out of trouble. You listened to his interesting rambles with such enthusiasm that he never wanted to stop. At other times he would talk about much serious things. What his dreams were. What he wanted to do in the near future. They always saddened you because it usually involved him moving away to S. Korea.
“Why?” you would ask.
“It’s my dream to become a star,” he would reply. Your expressions would darken and he would very soothingly run his fingers across your cheek trying to calm you.
He felt extremely awkward coming to your house the first time. He would say that back home he wasn’t allowed to do such things. You would giggle at his innocence. He made you feel things you thought you were incapable of feeling.
Just like one of those days he lay down his head resting on your lap. He had his eyes closed listening to music while you read your book. Something distracted you and so you began to look at him. He seemed calm but you felt like he was trying hard to suppress something.
“Everything alright?” you asked.
“Yeah,” he replied without opening his eyes.
“Luhannnn,” you said pushing him to get up and face you. “If there’s something troubling you then why don’t you say it?”
“Nothing’s troubling me,” he replied getting ready to lie back down.
“No!” you suddenly snapped. “Just tell me okay? I am tired of you hiding everything from me.”
“When have I ever hidden anything from you?” he asked with flustered eyebrows.
“Everything,” you said pushing your hands back in slight frustration. “What do I know about you? I know nothing and I want too but you keep hiding everything from me. I want to know what upsets you? Why you cry sometimes and then wipe your tears as soon as I look at you?… I want to help you but I feel like you don’t trust me. Are we even….” You stopped halfway. You had very often wanted to ask him where your relationship stood with him or if there was even anything between you and him. He never defined it but he also didn’t know that it bothered you a lot. Luhan slid a little bit more, getting ready to leave but you held him. “You can’t just leave like this.”
“You want to know why I’m like this?” he grabbed your arms and held you tightly.
“Yes I do,” you replied even louder.
“It’s because I was sexually harassed my entire childhood,” his words echoed in the hollow air. A gasp escaped your mouth while tears began to rush out of your eyes unannounced. You were in a state of shock, not blinking one bit.
“This is why I never wanted to tell you such things. It hurts me every time I think about it and honestly.. you’re not making it any better for me,” he said pushing you back.
“Luhan,” you whispered his name as he stomped out of the room. Before you could stop him, he was gone. You ran to the door but there was no sign of him. “Luhannnn,” you called out hoping he would return. There was no response. He was gone…
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Two days later:
You felt like someone was knocking on your door. But then again you had been feeling like that for the past 48 hours. He wasn’t going to come. He had made it pretty clear by not answering your text messages or calls.
“_____________! Please open the door,” you heard his voice from the opposite side of the door. The next second you lunged towards it opening it wide. He grabbed you violently and pulled you into a hug. “I’m sorry,” you heard him say as he planted a kiss on your neck. “I over reacted. Please forgive me. None of it is your fault.”
“No I’m sorry,” you said. You felt him shake his head, also wiping his tears on your shoulder.
Things went back to normal pretty quick after that. The usual movie nights or meeting at the quad resumed. He had started to smile again. You tried your best to not perk anything that would upset him. You wanted to hold on to him tightly and never let go. He’d been through so much in life and you thought you had it hard. He was different. He was special…
Little did you know that what was yet to come was going to bring everything you wished never happened to reality.
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“_______________ah! Open the door,” you heard him yell one night. You rubbed your eyes to look at the clock. It was almost midnight. He never came this late. In fact he tried to leave before 10.
You opened the door to let him in. He was smiling. It wasn’t the usual kind of smile. This one was different because it seemed genuine. He was truly smiling that day. Whatever he had to tell you sure was special.
“I’m going to Korea,” he said without waiting for you to calm down. “I’ve finally decided what I want to do. I want to go there. I think I can do it ___________. I think I can.” Your stared at his face in horror. The words he was uttering sounded selfish. Was he only thinking about himself and not you? Did he even care. Why was he so happy? It made you jealous. You wanted to rip that smile off of his face.
“___________,” he snapped his fingers forcing you back to reality. “You wanted me to be happy right? I think this will make me happy. I think this is what I want to do.”
“But…” you said but stopped upon feeling a heavy lump in your throat.
“But what?” he said. And then there in that moment you knew there was no stopping him. You had no right to stop him and even if you did, you just couldn’t. He was happy. How could you steal that from him?
“Nothing,” you said forcing a smile on your face. He leaned to give you a sweet kiss on your cheeks. “Thanks for staying by my side this whole time,” he said. His hands slowly slid out of yours along with which you felt your whole world sliding out. Your heart mocked you for falling in the trap you never wanted to.
“Luhan,” you called after him.
“Ye,” he turned around.
“Keep in contact,” you said smiling weakly.
“Of course,” was the last word he uttered before he left.
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One year later:
You slowly walked down the busy street dodging anyone who came an inch of a distance close to you. You trailed through the lively part of the park and into your usual hiding, away from all the noise. You opened your book and sat down to read.
“Keep in contact,” you had said.
“Of course,” he had replied.
You heard those words echo in your mind once again. Before tears could come out of your eyes you shut them tightly. He had lied to you. He didn’t message you after the first two month. You didn’t know what had happened to him. All your research always led you to a dead end. There was no sign of him. Had he become a trainee? Was he still alive? Had he moved on?- You didn’t know anything. It had been almost a year and it was pretty clear that he had forgotten about you. Just when you had started to fall for him, he’d left you. Just when you had started to think that maybe, maybe you were wrong your whole life. Love did exist and being loved in return wasn’t that bad after all- he’d left. He had no idea what kind of damage he had done. You were there when he needed someone and now when you needed him he was so far away.
You had considered going after him many times but thinking you would only make a fool out of yourself you dropped the idea. It wasn’t worth it you would say but your heart would whisper that ‘it was.’
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*Ring Ring…ring.. ring..*
You woke up in panic, trying to look for your phone in the dark. It was buried under the sheets somewhere. Your hands moved in all the directions. You finally gave up and turned on the lights. The phone stopped buzzing as soon as you picked it up. It was an unknown number. ‘Who would call at this hour…’ you thought. Just as you decided to go back to sleep the cell phone buzzed again. Hesitantly you picked it up. There was no voice from side aside from the light breathing. Your heart felt a strange tingle. You clenched your fist nervously.
“Guess who,” the voice said. Silence took over once again.
You didn’t know what else to do but smile. He’d come back…
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To anon Naiya- If I have disappointed you I apologize in advance. I was too busy trying to make it right for you that I think I over did it. I wanted to make it extra special but I couldn’t because I know I can’t. [I hope you know what I’m trying to say]- If you want me to change/add anything feel free to message me.
NOTE: I know most people get upset when Chinese members are used in a setting where they are perceived ad Koreans. I couldn’t do anything about this due to the way this scenario was requested. So I hope ya’ll understand :)