Requested by anon
Lay stood by the door looking at you sleep peacefully. He could tell you had cried a lot the night before but dare not show him how you felt. He wished he was brave enough to face his fears. Vivid memories from his past always held him back and thus he gave you a disappointing answer each time. Lay walked to your side and ran his fingers on your forehead. He gave you a tender kiss on your forehead and then your cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
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You saw Lay stand by the pillar like usual. His train came a little before yours and so the two of you walked home together every day. There was no one day that you remained quiet but that day, you didn’t have anything to say. You knew it would hurt him but you were hurting too. You hated presenting the same question to him when you knew the answer wouldn’t change.
You felt him touch your hand. He was still debating if he should hold it or not when you looked at him. You folded your arms to ease his indecisive state.
“_______!” he mumbled your name. “Hmmm,” you responded after a while. Lay didn’t say anything. He couldn’t think of anything to say. It would be the same as usual stuff, him trying to convince you that life would still be good if the two of you didn’t have a baby.
Ever since you had started wishing to become a parent, all you could see around you were expecting mothers or happy families. You wanted to be one of them but Lay was too scared to become a father. What frustrated you more was that he never gave a rationale as to why he such a strong opinion about the subject. You were afraid it was creating rifts in your relationship. That day too, you could tell he was trying really hard to talk to you but like always, he didn’t have the right words. And the only right words you wanted to hear from him were – ‘yes’. That would make everything better.
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The silent walk home was more unbearable for Lay than you. You settled down on your bed taking a deep breath. Lay walked into the room and sat beside you.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“That wouldn’t change anything Lay. Let’s just forget about it. I’m going to go make us some dinner,” you said, getting up.
“No! stay,” he pulled you back. You looked at him, hoping he would say something but he still didn’t have anything to say.
“If you’re not going to say anything than just let me go. I have stuff to do for tomorrow,” you said out of frustration.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked. You were mad at him and him asking you such an obvious question was not make things any better. You wanted to yell but instead you clenched your fist to let out all of your anger without saying a word.
“I’m not mad,” you finally said. “I’m just disappointed.”
“Disappointed?” he asked.
“Disappointed that you won’t trust me.”
“I do trust you… it’s just that…”
“No! If you trusted me you would tell me why you don’t want us to start a family.”
“We are a family!”
“We are not…” you said angrily, pulling your hands out of his.
“________!” he held your hands again instantly. “Okay let me tell you why.” He calmed himself and began once again. “I am scared because I know I won’t be a good father.”
“Why?”
“Because I have seen my mother suffer my father’s torture every day. He beat her and us and called us names and was never there for us. None of us were surprised when he left one day. What if I turn out to be like that? What if I can’t take care of my kids? What if I can’t love them the way they want to be loved? I don’t know how this works. I don’t want to disappoint you or our child. I’ve lived my entire life hating my father and I am afraid my child will hate me too.”
You looked at Lay in utter confusion. He thoughts were so illogical, almost cynical. He had never shown this side of himself to you. He was always tender and warm hearted. You knew he came from a broken family but you had no idea it had left such a definite impression on him. You looked over at him. Maybe it was your love speaking for him but there was one thing you knew for sure and that was that Lay would never hurt anyone on purpose. You held his hand firmly because you now you knew exactly how to convince him.
“Do you love me?” you asked. He looked at you with confusion. What kind of a question was that?
“Of course I love you,” he said with wrinkles on his forehead.
“Do you think you could ever hurt me?” you asked another question. Lay began to say but stopped. He didn’t have answer and he knew exactly where you were going with it.
“Then how do you think would you hurt our child? What happened to you and your family is a sad reality but you and I both know it won’t repeat. Your mother was a great mother. You should trust the way she raised you. You’ve seen what your father did to you guys and that is what will teach you to be a better person than he was. Don’t demoralize yourself just because your father was a bad person. Being a parent may be a lot of responsibility but we all learn slowly. It may seem horrifying at first but you will get better at it every day. You just have to trust yourself Lay. You care so much about others how could you possibly think you would hurt me or our child?”
Lay blinked repeatedly, trying to absorb all that you had said in a mere few seconds. He wanted to hug you for being so supportive but he was embarrassed for putting you through a lot. He looked away, ashamed at his thoughts.
“Don’t do this,” you said as you tried to turn him towards you. “You know I love you and I won’t ever think of you as foolish.”
“I’m so stupid _______,” he said hugging you tightly.
“No you’re not,” you whispered back.
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2 years later:
You glanced over at Lay and Minjun from time to time. Lay had fallen asleep holding him in his arms. You took a picture of the father and son and laughed to yourself. “And he said he couldn’t be a good father…”
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